Archive for June, 2011


Sex Changes Everything

The title is actually inspired by a song by Andrew Lloyd Webber called “Love changes everything”. It is from the musical Aspects of Love, but this post has nothing to do with the song. I don’t believe that love changes everything, but in my life experiences I have noticed that sex changes everything.

My life changed a lot the moment I lost my virginity. It is supposed to be with the person you marry. Oh, wait! Yeah we don’t live in biblical times anymore. So, its supposed to be with someone you love. OK, but how does a fourteen year old girl know what love is? It was a pleasant experience. It was with someone I was dating. It was in his barn loft so to speak. No! Not in the hay! It was a nice air-conditioned barn loft thing. Well, anyways. It wasn’t like it was in the movies. It didn’t hurt and I didn’t bleed. Was there something wrong with me? Did he do it wrong? He is seventeen. He should’ve known what he was doing, right? It quickly became a game for us. Come on! We were kids. How many times can we do it? How many different places can we do it at? We were having fun making up lies to our parents to cover up what we were really doing. It was exhilarating more than it was physically satisfying. Neither one of us knew what we were doing. And like most exhilarating endeavors it fizzled out really quick. I began to realize that it wasn’t him that I was excited about, it was just our special secret. So, with him kicking and screaming I ended it. Just because I lost my virginity to him doesn’t mean that he was to be the man I married. Wow, did having sex make me mature all of a sudden?

In the few years that followed, that was not the case. Little did i know at the time, I would become damaged. Once something so pristine is damaged, you respect it less and less. It is like getting a brand new car and denting it as it leaves the car lot. I had no respect for myself or my body. Did it happen too soon? When is the right age to lose your virginity? These are questions that society dwells on. Maybe my sex ed class should have taught me more about the guy parts. I was completely clueless. Maybe my parents should have kept a closer watch on me. I love that they didn’t. They taught me what trust is because they trusted me wholeheartedly. They let me learn from my own mistakes because it means more that way. Was this a mistake?

It has been nine years. I still live in the same town and so does he. I know because the other day I saw him. He was walking in front of me at an equal pace. I couldn’t help but study the outline of his legs and arms. Intrigued at the fact that I love hurling myself into a trance of nostalgia. Are they bad memories? Are they things I regret? The bottom line is NO. They are experiences that molded me.

Through my high school years I let sex define me. It was what made me interesting. It is what caused people to give me attention. I love attention. Sex defined me. Slut. Whore. Tease. Flirt. I accepted these words. I accepted them at the time to cope, but they still haunt me. Through my college years I let sex control me. I cheated because sex ran my life. Was it my healthy curiosity? I’ll never know. I just graduated college and as I put those years of my life behind me, I also symbolically leave that person there with it. She had no respect for her body. She let people walk all over her. She had no respect for relationships or men. It was an animalistic urge to have a man around.  People that feel that way are in no shape for a committed relationship. I was numb. I say good-bye to that poor damaged girl and welcome in this new woman I have become.

Now that you know the type of role sex has played in my life, it brings me to my next topic. When is the right time to bring sex into a relationship? The old me has been known to talk about sex on the first date. Once a man hears the word sex there is no turning back. His eyes light up and he is hypnotized. Oh, so you like sex? Oh, so you are saying you are a freak? Oh really, you say you will do anything in bed? In an instant I have successfully landed a one night stand, a friend with benefits, or even more sad, a stranger with benefits. All leading to several patterns that leave you feeling empty. Sex is not enough. The formula dictates that once it is all about sex, it cant be about much else. It loses all substance. So how to avoid this? Well sex is not enough, but it is important in the relationship. The answer is obviously that there is no formula.

In 2002, A movie came out called 40 days and 40 night. A man just got out of a serious relationship and needed some time to heal. He gave sex up for lent. Of course every great story needs a conflict and he ends up meeting an irresistible women. Nobly, he makes it to the end without having sex. What is the moral of the story? A relationship needs to develop first before sex is added. It is only logical to become friends with a partner first if you want it to one day blossom into a committed relationship. What is so mystical about 40 days? Is it long enough to really get to know someone? Is it long enough to break a bad habit? Build a new habit? Either way, it sounds like a good thing. There is a lot to be said about self-control. It means you are mature. Maturity is sexy.

This brings me to my last point. Does the role of sex in relationships have any correlation to the current divorce epidemic? Or does it just have to do with the dwindling moral conscience? Did all the couples that waited sex for marriage end up un-divorced? There is probably some psychological connection between the success of marriage and the amount of sexual partners you have. If I find research on this topic I will make another blog about it.

To be continued…possibly….

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~Oklahoma! Where the wind comes sweeping down the plains!~

I have lived in Lawton, Oklahoma for a whopping 14 years, but I have never admitted that out loud. Every time I am asked how long I have lived here, I say a different number and its never 14. Oklahoma has such a sad stigma attached to it. Foreigners think that everyone that lives in OK has a farm or a ranch, rides horses, herds cattle, and says “Howdy, y’all!”. Well obviously this is not the case. Lawton/Ft. Sill, Oklahoma, I have read, is the most ethnically diverse military base in the U.S. Soldiers come from all over to train and others come through on their way to deployment. I grew up on the east coast for a little while, and then spend three years in the third world country of Panama. I never claim Lawton as my home. When it comes to locations, I love big cities, natural bodies of water, and mountains. Lawton is a small city, land locked with man-made ponds and lakes, and contains the oldest mountain range in the U.S. ; and therefore have been eroded to the point of hills. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a horrible place to live. In the grand scheme of things it is fairly decent. Most people who live in Lawton will, at one time or another, complain about the weather. The summers consist of three digit temperatures that are dry as opposed to humid. The winters don’t give much beautiful snow, but rather dangerous ice storms. And as Dorothy has taught us, there is a threat of tornadoes. There is one thing I do like about the weather in Oklahoma: the wind.

The wind has held so much intrigue to mankind over the centuries. It can convey so many different personalities. It can be a warm summer breeze, a salty ocean breeze, or a cold blistering wind. It can also inspire different emotions according to the velocity or temperature of the wind. A slow breeze that isn’t too hot or cold might make us feel calm and peaceful. A winter stormy wind might make a swirling and whistling sound and make us feel sad or scared.

In Greek mythology there was a God of Wind. His name was Aeolus and he controlled the wind in the skies. He was said to have given Odysseus a tightly sealed bad of wind to help him sail back to Ithaca whenever he needed it.

Artists are inspired by movement and the way wind affects the ways things look. A perfect example of this is the 1486 painting “The Birth of Venus” by Venetian artist Botticelli.

As you examine the painting you can see the implication of the wind in the woman’s dress, the pink cloak, and the hair. It captures wind in a beautiful, peaceful light. The hair isn’t haphazardly disheveled and the material is not tattered.

When conditions are perfect I love to stand outside on a windy day and just absorb its energy. Close my eyes and listen to its music. The trees are dancing or shaking in fear. The wind chime is elegantly playing its melody. If it were composed during Beethoven’s time it would be called “Variation on three notes”. The wooden fence is creaking as it bends. The swing in whining as it squeals back and forth. I open my eyes as it lifts my hair up off my neck and across my face. I start to walk slowly and test its strength and sure enough it pushes me back a little.

As it calms down for a second I imagine I am Pocohontas from the Disney movie. She jumps off the mountain and the wind gently carries her down into the water. The Native Americans had such an amazing appreciation for nature. They see life and spirit in every  living thing. The artist portrays Pocohontas at such peace with the earth and her self. How inspiring!

Sometimes I feel like the Oklahoma wind is cleansing me. My body is a strainer and as the wind pushes against me it forces all the bad out and leaves only the good. I know that sounds like a bit of a stretch, but the wind can be somewhat therapeutic. Helping to clear your mind and meditate.

The last thing that I often associate with wind is power. In movies when the bad guys-or even sometimes the good guys-are summoning their powers,you most often see wind swirl,push the clouds in, and the lightning crackles. This happens most often in movies about superheroes. For example, I noticed this in the movie Thor. I also loved in the movie The Sorcerer’s Apprentice when they would cast spells they would throw their arms down and everything would just blown around like crazy. When no one is looking and it is a ferociously winding stormy night I would love to through my arms down like that as if to summon lightening to shoot out of my fingers.

Now you will never look at wind the same way again.

Rummaging through men

like papers stacked high

carefully sorting through

till one catches my eye

 

Panning the room

bodies converge

smiling, touching

interests emerge

 

Empty, lifeless,  searching stares

 like zombies, but what are they trying to find?

paranoid, violent, stumbling and falling

I know that one thing that’s on their mind

 

Scanning and making quick evaluations

behavior of someone in front of a magazine rack

vapid, shallow assessments

flipping through for something interesting and then putting it back

 

I am a novel with a plot that thickens and develops

don’t just skim over my cover but give me a thorough read

there has been a change in me

not a magazine fan anymore, novels are what I  need

 

 

 

 

 

Waiting for the End

The following is lyrics to a song by Linkin Park called “Waiting for the End”. I really liked this song a lot the first time I heard it. But upon listening to it later,after certain events occured, it held new meaning. Some of the lyrics particularly hit closed to home, and those are expressed in red. It is so comforting when you find a song that expresses how you feel. That way you feel your emotions are more common that you think. You are not alone. Give the song a listen why dont you? Enjoy!

“This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty’s within ’em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we’re holding onto something
That’s invisible there,
‘Cause we’re living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It’s out of my control….

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It’s hard to let you go…

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn’t so…

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on
And i don’t even know what kind of things I’ve said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!”

~With one kiss the spell was lifted~

Prince Charming kissed Snow White and saved her life from a poisonous apple. A prince found his way into a castle full of sleeping people and broke a hundred year spell by kissing Princess Aurora, or as we know her now, Sleeping Beauty. It is a timeless theme that the hero comes in and lifts a spell quickly followed by wedding bells. There is also a theme of kissing a toad and him turning into a Prince. This was clearly not the case with me. I have wasted too much time kissing frogs. I always imagined that first kiss would cast a spell or rather put me into a trace. It wasnt until now that I realized it could work in the opposite way too.

Containing all the awkwardness of a middle schooler I sat and could only focus on all the fibers in my body. How does one who is normal sit? Should I cross my legs? Sit in Indian style? Wow that is such a racial slur. I can’t believe us Americans come up with this crap. Just look at him….ahhhh much better. Is this really happening? What events led up to this moment? You are getting distracted again. What do my arms normally do? Is it ok to cross them or can they just rest on my side? Ok I believe I look somewhat natural now.

I have nothing to be nervous of. I have always had a natural knack for the opposite sex. I have been attracting boys as long as I can remember. This man is different. He has me reflecting back to an awkward memory of going to the movies with my 8th grade boyfriend. I don’t remember a thing about the movie because the whole time I was sitting awkwardly in a position with his arms around me that was putting a pain in my back. This same boy had me distracted with thoughts like,”Why does he want to hold hands all the time? My hands sweat and the more I think about my hands sweating the more they sweat”

What is this man doing to me? I am 23 years old and around him I feel like I have never dated anyone in my life. Maybe its a gift from God. He is wiping my slate clean and giving me a second chance. It is a dating rebirth. So now I am starting from scratch as if I am a middle schooler again. Now my analytical mind kicks into gear and the awkwardness dissipates. I am nervous because I want to kiss him. All I can focus on now is that I want to kiss him more than anything in the world. But when is the right time for a kiss? The movies make it look so easy. The perfect lines and the music that swells in rhythm with the embrace and caress. The camera does a perfect 360 swoop and pans away. Cue end credits.

But more importantly,is tonight too soon for a kiss? Once we kiss there is no turning back. We are both freshly heartbroken. Is this just a simple craving for affection? Is it because we are lonely? Will this ruin our friendship?Shut up Sonja. Right….now….oh wow he did it–he kissed me. Oh I am so glad he is a good kisser! There was a surge of energy that would not quit. So I kept holding and kissing unceasing, hoping it would expend itself and it never did. With each peck and nibble it grew and evolved. It wasnt until the next day that I realized the spell was lifted. I feel as if I was a snake that shed a layer of skin. A dark cloud has moved on. My appetite is back. My motivation is revived. Time to clean up the mess-both literal and figurative.

Chapter two The Spell (coming soon)

As you will come to know me better you will realize that I believe music to be one of the most powerful things in the world. For thousands of years people have been using music to praise their God. For nations that don’t have freedom of speech, some people have used music as a vessel to bring forth radical ideas on politics. For many, music can serve as therapy or inspiration. Music can define one’s self and music can tear people apart. Which is why I decided to start my blog with lyrics. Probably not the most powerful of all, but simply some that have spoken to me recently. In my many quests to truly understand love, I feel that this was exactly what I needed to hear at the time I heard it.

“He put it on me, I put it on,
Like there was nothing wrong.
It didn’t fit,
It wasn’t right.
Wasn’t just the size.
They say you know,
When you know.
I don’t know.

I didn’t feel
The fairytale feeling, no.
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could.

If it’s not like the movies,
Thats how it should be, yeah.
When he’s the one,
I’ll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning
And that’s just the beginning, yeah.

Snow white said when I was young,
“One day my prince will come.”
So I wait for that date.
They say its hard to meet your match,
Find my better half.
So we make perfect shapes.
If stars don’t align,
If it doesn’t stop time,
If you cant see the sign,
Wait for it.
One hundred percent,
With every penny spent.
He’ll be the one that,
Finishes your sentences.

If it’s not like the movies,
Thats how it should be.
When he’s the one,
He’ll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning,
And thats just the beginning.

‘Cause I know you’re out there,
And your, your love came for me.
It’s a crazy idea that you were made,
Perfectly for me you’ll see.

Just like the movies.
That’s how it will be.
Cinematic and dramatic with the perfect ending.
It’s not like the movies,
But that’s how it will be.
When he’s the one,
You’ll come undone,
And your world will stop spinning,
And it’s just the beginning.”

That song is Katy Perry’s “Not like the movies”. And several of all my blogs will further explain why this song spoke to me so much. It is going to be a series of several posts called “My life as a Fairytale”. I am going to set it up like a book with chapters. I don’t know how many chapters there will be because it is going to be based on my life experiences. Enjoy!