The title is actually inspired by a song by Andrew Lloyd Webber called “Love changes everything”. It is from the musical Aspects of Love, but this post has nothing to do with the song. I don’t believe that love changes everything, but in my life experiences I have noticed that sex changes everything.

My life changed a lot the moment I lost my virginity. It is supposed to be with the person you marry. Oh, wait! Yeah we don’t live in biblical times anymore. So, its supposed to be with someone you love. OK, but how does a fourteen year old girl know what love is? It was a pleasant experience. It was with someone I was dating. It was in his barn loft so to speak. No! Not in the hay! It was a nice air-conditioned barn loft thing. Well, anyways. It wasn’t like it was in the movies. It didn’t hurt and I didn’t bleed. Was there something wrong with me? Did he do it wrong? He is seventeen. He should’ve known what he was doing, right? It quickly became a game for us. Come on! We were kids. How many times can we do it? How many different places can we do it at? We were having fun making up lies to our parents to cover up what we were really doing. It was exhilarating more than it was physically satisfying. Neither one of us knew what we were doing. And like most exhilarating endeavors it fizzled out really quick. I began to realize that it wasn’t him that I was excited about, it was just our special secret. So, with him kicking and screaming I ended it. Just because I lost my virginity to him doesn’t mean that he was to be the man I married. Wow, did having sex make me mature all of a sudden?

In the few years that followed, that was not the case. Little did i know at the time, I would become damaged. Once something so pristine is damaged, you respect it less and less. It is like getting a brand new car and denting it as it leaves the car lot. I had no respect for myself or my body. Did it happen too soon? When is the right age to lose your virginity? These are questions that society dwells on. Maybe my sex ed class should have taught me more about the guy parts. I was completely clueless. Maybe my parents should have kept a closer watch on me. I love that they didn’t. They taught me what trust is because they trusted me wholeheartedly. They let me learn from my own mistakes because it means more that way. Was this a mistake?

It has been nine years. I still live in the same town and so does he. I know because the other day I saw him. He was walking in front of me at an equal pace. I couldn’t help but study the outline of his legs and arms. Intrigued at the fact that I love hurling myself into a trance of nostalgia. Are they bad memories? Are they things I regret? The bottom line is NO. They are experiences that molded me.

Through my high school years I let sex define me. It was what made me interesting. It is what caused people to give me attention. I love attention. Sex defined me. Slut. Whore. Tease. Flirt. I accepted these words. I accepted them at the time to cope, but they still haunt me. Through my college years I let sex control me. I cheated because sex ran my life. Was it my healthy curiosity? I’ll never know. I just graduated college and as I put those years of my life behind me, I also symbolically leave that person there with it. She had no respect for her body. She let people walk all over her. She had no respect for relationships or men. It was an animalistic urge to have a man around.  People that feel that way are in no shape for a committed relationship. I was numb. I say good-bye to that poor damaged girl and welcome in this new woman I have become.

Now that you know the type of role sex has played in my life, it brings me to my next topic. When is the right time to bring sex into a relationship? The old me has been known to talk about sex on the first date. Once a man hears the word sex there is no turning back. His eyes light up and he is hypnotized. Oh, so you like sex? Oh, so you are saying you are a freak? Oh really, you say you will do anything in bed? In an instant I have successfully landed a one night stand, a friend with benefits, or even more sad, a stranger with benefits. All leading to several patterns that leave you feeling empty. Sex is not enough. The formula dictates that once it is all about sex, it cant be about much else. It loses all substance. So how to avoid this? Well sex is not enough, but it is important in the relationship. The answer is obviously that there is no formula.

In 2002, A movie came out called 40 days and 40 night. A man just got out of a serious relationship and needed some time to heal. He gave sex up for lent. Of course every great story needs a conflict and he ends up meeting an irresistible women. Nobly, he makes it to the end without having sex. What is the moral of the story? A relationship needs to develop first before sex is added. It is only logical to become friends with a partner first if you want it to one day blossom into a committed relationship. What is so mystical about 40 days? Is it long enough to really get to know someone? Is it long enough to break a bad habit? Build a new habit? Either way, it sounds like a good thing. There is a lot to be said about self-control. It means you are mature. Maturity is sexy.

This brings me to my last point. Does the role of sex in relationships have any correlation to the current divorce epidemic? Or does it just have to do with the dwindling moral conscience? Did all the couples that waited sex for marriage end up un-divorced? There is probably some psychological connection between the success of marriage and the amount of sexual partners you have. If I find research on this topic I will make another blog about it.

To be continued…possibly….