Archive for July, 2011


There are endless ways in which I know he is different. It’s not different in a bad way, but it somehow scares me. He says it scares him too. What are we afraid of? Are we afraid to leap? It’s a strange visual to consider one leaping. Where are we leaping from? Where are we landing? Why is it called falling in love? Sometimes I think that love pushes us off a cliff. It is not up to us. Love gives us a forceful shove and it is up to the other person to catch us. Last time it happened I don’t think he caught me. It wasn’t fair at all. It was a three-ring circus and he was the star trapeze artist. I always caught his weak body supporting him through the maneuver so he could end the show strong with a smile on his soul less face. I barely landed the greatest trick of them all but I slipped right through his arm and proceeded to free fall. I knew I was free-falling because I felt that nauseous empty feeling in my stomach and I knew my life would never be the same. I don’t want to leap and wait for someone to catch me. I am a high diver now. I am making that leap myself. He is making that leap too. We are falling at equal speeds and landing in the same place. We are falling into that water, and the water feels cleansing.

Most people talk about leaping when they are talking about taking a big step in their lives. God lays everything out for us perfectly. He paves the road for us, we just have to get off our stubborn butts and go down that road to see where it leads. He was there all along, I was just too dumb to see it. I finally got the courage to take that long trip up the diving board and leap. The view looks so much different from the top. How come I’ve never been up here before? It’s not so bad it is just different. There are endless ways in which I know he is different.

My first tattoo is of a butterfly. I know it is one of the most cliché things in the world to get and I HATE clichés with a passion. Although, I truly feel butterflies perfectly embody my spirit. Butterflies represent freedom and independence. They are extremely delicate and fragile, therefore easily harmed. They start out as something ugly hidden away, but in time they break free as something changed for the better. A “social butterfly” is a figure of speech describing someone who loves social situations. It is as if I thrive on social situations. I love meeting new people and learning about them. I love helping people. It is my life’s purpose. I have never been called a social butterfly until now. He calls it a talent. In the past, it was always something that got me in trouble. I was accused of flirting and accused of cheating when I didn’t. I never saw it as a talent. It is such a Kismet that, in a place called the Butterfly Lounge, an ex-psychiatrist would tell me to find someone who brings out the best in me. He continued to emphasize: It has to be someone where you are the best version of yourself around them. That came to be true quicker than I thought it would.

There is something different about him. I don’t hold anything back from him. I don’t alter anything about myself when I am around him no matter where we are or what we are doing. A lot of women talk about “training” a man. Little did I realize, I have always been the puppy reacting and adapting to my owner. After a puppy has been abused, he still recoils upon seeing an arm raised or hearing a loud noise. I have never been abused but I realized now that I was conditioned. I still find myself reacting to him the way I have in past relationships and it aggravates me. He told me he will never crush my wings. He wants to see all the beautiful colors on my wings. He wants me to fly as far as I can. I knew that I had wings, I’ve just never used them to their full potential. I thought I was flying free until I got up on this diving board. I didn’t know I was being trapped because I just couldn’t see the right perspective. I love that he was able to show me this perspective. So we made that leap together and it didn’t just happen by accident. Two fragile hearts don’t just haphazardly fall into love. They consciously take a leap and love is where they land.

1. I can communicate clearly despite loud environments (most of my environments are loud. I’m a musician)

2. My conversations are kept private (that’s pretty self-explanatory)

3. I can communicate despite bad connections( static and such. unless you don’t have enough bars to even send a text)

4. I can communicate in situations when I am not allowed to talk or situations where you should be quiet (school or church…of cource I’ve never texted at either…)

5. You hang up the phone and finally remember something you really wanted to tell them but don’t wanna bother calling them back (yeah you know you do that all the time)

6. Sometimes you really wanna leave a voicemail but you have more to say then will fit in the message( ok so I can be long-winded every now and then)

7. For several reasons I have always wished I could go back and read certain conversations I’ve had, and now I can. (helps in solving arguments. “See? I DID tell you I was gonna be there at 8:30 not 8:00!” )

8.My handwriting is sloppy and spelling is bad. (My texts are most often easy to read and comprehend)

9. It is a blessing to the hearing impaired

10. It is a good solution to talking to people you don’t really want to talk to; be it that they are annoying or just long-winded.

But of cource we all know the greatest thing about texting is you can poop or pee  while texting and no one will ever know!

Wow! I didn’t think I was going to be able to come up with ten things, but I did it! Now I do realize there are a few bad things about texting. For example, tone and sarcasm is not transferred very well and this leads to miscommunication. And like most things, stupid people have ruined texting for all of us. There is large controversy about texting and driving. I think as long as people are smart and pay attention to the road it shouldn’t be a concern for the authorities. It’s a private issue! Then there is a lot of thoughts linking texting to poor vocabulary in children and teens. The education system is to blame-not phones.  It really dishearten’s me to hear people say that they never text, don’t know how,or that it is just plain aggravating to them. Come on people! Its wonderful! And now you know why.

Last Sunday I listened to a pastor talk about this scripture. It is Ecclesiastes 3:1. He was talking about the church fixing their facade. He was also talking about the fact that he was leaving and someone else was taking his place. The church is going through lots of changes. Although when I heard him read the words, it meant something completely different to me. I love how God always puts me in the right place at the right time. He brought me to this church and I believe it is a place I can call my own. Two Sundays in a row I have found myself crying in church. I haven’t quite figured out why I cry. Nonetheless, God put me in this church because I believe he has a few things he wants to tell me. Sometimes I laugh in my head and think –“Wow, this pastor is talking directly to me.” How does he know what I need to hear at this exact moment? I don’t always get warm fuzzies when I go to certain churches. When I go to Holy Family Catholic Church it is just a job. When I went to Assembly of God I felt like it was a business endeavor more than a church. At other churches, I catch myself analyzing the sermons as a scholar of speech giving and teaching. I critique their organization and their delivery, completely letting the message go in one ear and out the other. But there is something different about this new church. It is called Grace Fellowship. Words can be so powerful and hold so much meaning. In the non theological sense, the word grace means to exhibit beauty and elegance in form. Fellowship can sometimes be described as a friendship or companionship. Symbolically, I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful new friendship with God.

Something happened today that got me thinking about all this. Why do I cry in church? Anytime there is something troubling me I call up my best friend Jack and tell him exactly what is on my mind. He has seen me in all my faults and weaknesses. We both share a vivid memory from a day four years ago, and he briefly mentioned it today. It was in my early college years and my depression was in full force again just as it had been in my Junior High years. I was wearing a black hoodie that day. I don’t like the color black and I don’t like hoodies, so that was an instant red flag to Jack that something was wrong. From the beginning he and I have been strangely in tune with one another’s emotions. I would help him through his bouts of depression, so he would return the favor. It was pouring and we were in his Jetta that he had at the time. I loved that it was raining. I am a huge fan of symbolism. Every time horribly sad things happen in movies it is raining. Tears and rain go hand it hand. So there we were in the Music building parking lot between classes, and simultaneously as the rain pelted the car, my tears stained my cheeks. For hours, I cried and talked and cried and talked without pausing to take a breath.  We’ve been best friends ever since.

I have heard people say that pain is weakness leaving the body, but then what are tears? I cry when I am angry. I cry when I’m frustrated with myself. I cry when I watch sad things on tv and in movies. I cry when I see other people cry. I cry when I hear beautiful music. I cry when I hear music with lyrics that describe the way I am feeling. Why do I cry so much? Do I just have too many emotions that I can’t contain? Tears must be an overflow of emotions leaving the body. When I cry in church it must mean that God’s love is so abundant that it is just too much to contain. Another angle I am exploring is that crying has something to do with vulnerability. I have been known to choke back tears. I am afraid to cry in front of certain people. Crying is a sign of weakness for a lot of people. I believe if I cry in front of certain people, I have exposed my soul completely. Although, I don’t mind exposing my tears and emotions to the people I trust wholeheartedly. Ultimately, if I can cry in front of someone, it must mean I trust them enough to expose my vulnerability to them.

Right before I found my church,Grace Fellowship, I visited another church by where I live. There was a women who sang ,very poorly, a song called Blessings by Laura Story. I got extremely choked up reading the lyrics floating by on the screen. Just as I have wondered is this pastor speaking directly to me?, I said, “Thank you God for using this woman as a vessel to speak to me.” The chorus went:

“Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise”

God told me on that Sunday that it is OK to cry; it is the only way I will heal. But how much crying must I do in order to heal? Will I ever truly emotionally heal? I keep telling myself that time will heal. It’s just another stupid cliché though. The second I feel like I am healing, I experience a clear relapse. My body doesn’t heal quickly. My bruises, scabs, and scars last much longer than normal. My immune system has always been weak. If there is something going around, I will catch it. If my emotions had an immune system, then it would be weak too. I am not saying that I am a weak person. Compared to most, I am pretty strong. In talking about immune systems, their main purpose is to rebuild was has been broken down. Being such a positive optimist my whole life, I had never expected to experience a break down such as this.

This scripture talks about a lot of opposites in this world. It mentions loving, hating, laughing, crying, living and dying. The whole point is lost if we just see this scripture as a list of opposites. The world experiences all of these things in perfect balance. We can’t have one without the other. God has shown me so much love and happiness in my life. In order to keep the pendulum swinging in perfect balance, He had to show me how to deal with pain and heartbroken too. I realized that I have never had my heart broken untill recently because I never let my guard down. Most people would, in this case, recoil and never expose their soul to anyone again. That is not me at all. I show vulnerability in church to God because he is a true friend. I expose my emotions to my earthly best friend Jack. I never realized I put a guard up in front of boyfriends until now. I shouldn’t act differently in front of friends as I do in front of boyfriends. This time will be completely different. I will let my guard down one hundred percent with him. I thought I was until today. How was I able to cry in front of Jack but not in front of him? Does it even really matter? So many things in this life just seem so menial in the eye’s of God. He see’s the big picture. I was never good at seeing the big picture in any aspect of the world. He sees my whole life and sees this stupid break-up as just a tiny bump in the road.  Most days that is what it is, but other days it swarms inside me and eats me up from the inside. It defines me. This is part of my healing process. Eventually I will figure out how to let God pour in a fill up the voids inside of me. He is the only one who can make me whole. Nothing of this earth will do. A time to heal; a time to break down and time to build up. We can’t have one without the other. I needed to break down. It is the only way I will be able to build myself up again.